12. Smashing cans on the train
It’s about a 20-minute train ride from Flinders Street station to Caulfield racecourse – more than enough time for you and the missus to smash a six-pack of UDL’s. Just don’t buy the ones that make your lips go red, you don’t want to look like an idiot.
11. Bulk hair gel
That huge tub of hair gel in your bathroom cupboard has been there since Year Seven but it always gets a run at spring carnival time. You take a ‘more-the-merrier’ approach to application and aim for the stalagmite-look.
10. Ill-fitting suit
You are the proud owner of one suit – it didn’t fit properly when you wore it to your high school formal and it still doesn’t sit right after gathering dust in your wardrobe for two or more years. (perhaps more tight-arse than bogan)
9. Horse head
A recent addition to the bogan wardrobe (similar to the tactless Indian headdresses worn by bogans at music festivals), the horse head does at least provide a degree of anonymity… until the head is yanked off by a fellow bogan who has had an absolute skinful.
8. Novelty suit
A staple of the spring racing carnival. You’re brightly-coloured, poorly-tailored ensemble makes you look like a complete peanut but at least fellow members of your bogan pack can identify you on the crowded lawns when you get lost on the way back from the toilet.
7. Black shirt/suit with brightly-coloured tie
This was the ‘in’ look about ten years ago, but so were army camouflage cargo shorts…
6. The mix-and-match get-up
Hilarious and outrageously unique, no one has ever thought of wearing a shirt, tie, and suit jacket with a pair of board shorts… have they?
5. Heels off, stagger on
Those five-inch heels you bought seemed like a brilliant idea at the time and you looked smoking hot when you sauntered through the Flemington gates but things have gone pear-shaped. You’ve downed seven champagnes, your feet have swollen up like balloons, your dress is tucked into your undies, and your staggering out of the races like a new-born giraffe.
4. White shoes/accessories (sunnies, belt, etc.)
If you’re donning white shoes with a dark suit, a white belt, or white-framed sunnies you’re not kicking many goals in the fashion stakes. If you’re rocking all three at the same time you've somehow teleported yourself out of a marquee at the 2004 Ballarat Cup and now find yourself feeling incredibly isolated and scared.
3. Streaking... with clothes on
You’re drunk enough to jump onto the track and try to out-sprint half a dozen overweight security guards down the Flemington straight, but you’re sensible enough to leave your pants on.
2. Streaking in the buff
You’ll more than likely end up handcuffed by police, thousands of people will get a look at your plums, and your mates who put you up to it will probably nick off with your clothes… but in your mind a nudie run was most definitely the right play. (watch, phone, and sunnies optional accessories)
1. Biffo
You’ve been sinking froffies all day, you’ve lost a fortune on the punt, and you haven’t looked like it with the ladies… time to pick a fight. There’s no better way to leave the races than in the arms of security personnel after throwing the slowest round-house punch in history before losing your balance and falling into a set of flimsy white plastic furniture.
Originally published here on