Dennis does cricket: The worst Test XI since 2000

MORE: Dennis does cricket's Worst Test XI of the 2000s

Cricket Australia recently had a crack at giving us the Best 100 Test Players since 2000.

Theirs is a decent concept butchered. It's more confusing than trying to decipher the lyrics to an REM song.

Anyhow, there were 803 players at the time of writing who have played a Test match since the first of January 2000.

"My Dear Old Thing"

Rather than make a competing, and clearly more accurate list, the boss asked me to go for the Worst XI.

My only stipulation when selecting the side was that there was a ten Test minimum. I may have broken this rule when it suited me. Actually, I pretty much ignored it, as you can see here. 

The Worst Test XI Since 2000

CD Cumming (NZ) Grant Flower (Zim) Rob Quiney (Aus) Mohammad Ashraful (Ban) DR Flynn (NZ) Graeme Hick (Eng) Jonny Bairstow (Eng) Anwar Hossain Monir (Ban) Mohammad Sami (Pak) Daren Powell (WI) Mohammed Naeem Islam (Ban)

Umpires: Steve Bucknor (WI) and Billy Bowden (NZ).

Coach: Peter Moores (Eng)

Commentators: Michael Slater (Aus), Nick Knight (Eng) and James Brayshaw (Aus)  

Openers

Desperately unlucky to gain selection as an opener was Sherwin Campbell, who averaged 24.88 over 28 innings. Mehrab Hossain (Ban) tried it 19 times for a return of only 13 runs per innings.

But CD Cumming (NZ) and Grant Flower (Zim) land our underwhelming opening slots.

The Kiwi opened 19 times, passing 50 on just one occasion. I suggest you don't google him unless you have safe search on. 

Flower opened 14 times and never even got there, finishing with an average of 10.20 in the position.

Number 3

There was an intense amount of competition for the pivotal number 3 spot.

Destructive nightwatchman James Anderson has batted at number three on nine occasions, for an average of 9.33.

Michael Clarke has batted here only twice, for a total of 25 runs. Only twice? Yeah, I had to recheck that. It's accurate. Clarke is a wuss.

Nathan Lyon averages more than Clarke at number three. Check it… it’s true.

Nasser Hussein (Eng) was somehow allowed to bat here 39 times. It delivered him a James Anderson like bowling average of 29.96.

Essentially, numbers 4 and 5 had to be padded up and ready to go whenever Nasser walked to the crease. His average dig only lasted 69 balls.

However, no one ever looked better averaging 3.00 in Tests than Rob Quiney (Aus). His debut 9 against the Saffas will never be forgotten by those that witnessed it, even though it didn’t last long.

Number 4

Batting supremos Daniel Vettori (Ave 76.00) and Freddie Flintoff (Ave 75.00) own the number 4 slot. So does Nasser Hussein. His average of 38.28 eclipses that of Michael Clarke (32.07).

Clarke has reason to feel aggrieved for not being selected in this team at number 4, given his horrible return for such a gifted player. However, he falls furlongs behind the ultimate winner (if that is the correct terminology), Mohammad Ashraful (Ban). 44 innings for an average of 15.70 is a ridiculously poor return. Welcome on board, mate.

Number 5

The number 5 slot could have been reserved for an Indian by the name of Saurav Ganguly. 86 times he represented his country in this position, delivering a brilliantly mediocre average of only (37.23).

Ganguly is simply ridiculously overrated.

Even Nathan Hauritz averaged 75.00 when batting 3rd drop.

Nasser Hussein was up for another nomination, averaging 31. But how many times can you acknowledge his contributions to terrible cricket?

However, the winner is a Kiwi.

DR Flynn (NZ) played 15 Test innings at number 5. His highest score was 53. He averaged 19.54 and made 4 ducks. 

Also, he wasn't a doctor.

Number 6

The number 6 position was a difficult one to fill. Mostly because it is traditionally used as a transitional one for new players entering the Test arena.

Dean Elgar's (SA) 3 innings for 7 runs is worthy of a look. Khaled Mashud (Ban) had 10 attempts to average a paltry 11.80.

Dwayne Bravo lingered in the position long enough to bat there 50 times. He averages 26.61. Shane Watson also averages 26 at number six.

Some bloke called Steve Smith could only average 25 when so far down the order.

However Graeme Hick's (Eng) six innings, two ducks and average of 8.00 locks it up. 

The Wicket Keeper

I've reserved the number seven slot for the wicket-keeper, looking at their records irrespective of what position they actually batted.

I desperately wanted an Akmal brother to win it. Adnan couldn't bat, and Kamran couldn't catch. Between them, they could have filled the role.

Matt Prior made 35 runs in his final Test. His 36 byes gave him a net contribution of minus 1. That's pretty special, but not special enough.

In the end, it's what you do on the biggest stage that counts. Jonny Bairstow's (Eng) Ashes performances in 2013/14 are hard to overlook. Although he played just two Tests as keeper, he only lasted 98 balls for his four innings and moved like he was wearing concrete slippers. He also let through 10 byes.

The Bowlers

There were 754 eligible bowlers to choose from.

Of note is the fact that Alastair Cook has the best bowling average of any player since 2000 with one wicket at 7.00.

In the end, the pace attack is headed by Anwar Hossain Monir (Ban). He makes the team on the basis that no one has bowled more overs without taking a wicket. 

58 overs of nothingness.

Mohammad Sami (Pak) takes the new ball into the wind. His 85 wickets should be commended. His average of 52.74 at a strike rate of almost 90 makes you query whether his uncle was a selector?

You can't have Sami without Daren Powell (WI). Their records are eerily similar. He also has 85 wickets at 47.85 and a SR of 83.

Finally the spinner.

Imran Tahir comes up in conversation. Who else took 0/260 in a Test match? No one. That's who.

Australia countered him with multiple experiments such as Ashton Agar, Xavier Doherty, Bryce McGain, Glenn Maxwell, Beau Casson, Michael Beer and Stephen O'Keefe.

However, Mohammed Naeem Islam (Ban) is our spinner. His Test match bowling average of 303.00, combined with a strike rate of 574.00 makes him the stand out tweaker of his generation.

Umpires, Coach and Commentary Team

My umpires choose themselves in Steve Bucknor (WI) and Billy Bowden (NZ). So does the coach. Congratulations must go out to Peter Moores (Eng). No one else got sacked twice. For the hell of it. I'm also potting a commentary team. Well done Michael Slater (Aus), Nick Knight (Eng) and James Brayshaw (Aus).