Four Christmas parties where Essendon coach James Hird will be welcome

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Yes, Hird will get $1 million for doing bugger-all next year. But it's no good having wads of cash if you've got no workmates to have a Christmas beer with.

MORE: James Hird deal leaves AFL red-facedEssendon chairman: AFL dispute settled, James Hird to get paid

James Hird has dealt with more than most Australian workers in 2013. He's had the Today Show and Sunrise camped out front of his house for months at the crack of sparrow's, waking his kids and scaring the neighbours.

He has doggedly made his way to the driveway to pick up the papers every single morning through this crisis, even though they are full of shizen about him and his club. A man doing his bit for struggling media empires everywhere.

He's had Andrew Demetriou, Dean Robinson and any number of media commentators tipping manure over him daily. While Stephen Dank's had time to tend his roses amid the showers of shit, no such luck for Hirdy. He's had to coach a footy team. No one needs a good glass of red and a chance to kick up his well-heeled heels more than this bloke.

So James, don't worry about missing the Dons' party. Here's four Christmas bashes you will be welcome at over the next week or two.

Carlton
Thanks James, for playing a huge part in getting us in the eight. Come on in. Have some old, dark, navy booze. Here is one place the suspended Essendon coach will get the warmest of welcomes, as his supplements program and the Bombers getting booted out opened the way for ninth-placed Carlton to play finals. Even better, it allowed them to beat Richmond in week one – opening the way for a whole new world of ninth-placed jokes about the Tiges. He and Mick Malthouse can talk about old Anzac Day contests. Like how Mick's boys once let down the Anzacs. And how James won about 584 Anzac Day Medals as a player against the Magpies. Now that Mick probably hates the Pies as much as Hirdy, they'll be discussing plots against the common enemy quicker than you can say "lock it in, Eddie".

Kia
One of few winners in this sorry saga is the humble Korean motor company which provided Hird with his work wheels. Surely his Kia Optima was the most filmed and photographed car in Australia over the past 12 months. How Holden and Ford must wish Hirdy has been reversing out of the Toorak pad in a Calais or a Territory. They might still be making cars here. Interestingly, Hirdy's wheels are now up for sale. $36,990 will buy you his old Kia Optima – the top-of-the-line Platinum version of course with six-stacker CD and more options than the Windy Hill fridge. Only 7,500kms on the clock too. Mostly driving between Toorak, Essendon and AFL House. And no, the rego number is not AOD-9604…

Law Institute of Victoria
Considering Hird and Essendon's legal fees are probably putting a dozen of its members' kids through school for the foreseeable future, the Bombers legend can expect red carpet treatment here. Surely he's earned a portrait on the wall in their hallowed halls to replace the one currently turned face-to-the-wall in the AFL Hall of Fame. Once he's had a drink or two here, he can then move down the road to the Victorian Bar. No, not a pub, the professional organisation for barristers – where he'll be equally thrilled at the welcome he receives. If it's a karaoke night, Hirdy could belt out I Fought The Law And The Law Won. Guaranteed a bigger ovation than the 2000 grand final if he does.

Compounding chemists
No one knew much about compounding chemists and what they could do before the Essendon supplements saga. Now, as one tells us, things have changed. "Thanks to James Hird, we get chicks now,"* one told Sportal. "We get respect. People would ask us at parties about cheap Valium or Viagra, or how much Panadol they could give their kid. They never understood what we did. Now, they know we can get them porcelain skin, a perma-tan or superb muscle tone without working out. Though we're still working on the soft tissue tears. And we're having a Mexican-themed Christmas party this year. Vials of fun for everyone. Ole!"**

* Made-up quote.
** Another made-up quote.

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